Friday, October 30, 2009

SEX: I dont like to talk about it!

Our life has had its moments when I wasnt entirely sure we would make it, and its only been two years. I love my life with Noah and Oliver. I would not change it for anything. Weve been having spots when we are happier than the happiest and then other days BEWARE!

Before you continue reading, be warned that Im talking about sex. I dont go into details. Thats my business and really not any of yours. However, in the following I go over why I feel the way I do about sex.
Youve been warned! Dont say I didnt warn you!

Yesterday was wonderful even with the unexpected house drama that made me take an hour of vacation. We were able to smile and joke about ANYTHING! It was wonderful up until the ONE subject came up. The ONE that has managed to become so touchy.
***This is the honest truth and Im not proud of it. Im not here to be judged but to vent and use this as an example one day.***
It was shunned to hug a member of the opposite sex FOREVER! My mom seriously gave me permission to have my first kiss! I had planned on waiting until I was married to have sex. I also had planned on marrying Cody. Things changed. I got a taste of freedom and threw catuion to the wind. I lost my virginity at 18. Im not proud, but am happy that it wasnt 12! At first it was because I REALLY liked the guy, but then the guy dumped me for my married sister. He didnt care about me, so screw it. From that point on I DID NOT care anymore. I wanted someone to just like me. This went on for a while. I had a guy dump me because I was crying about how an ex talked to me. On two occasions guys told me that we would start dating if I changed this or that but then ALWAYS went back to their ex. One was lying to me and his ex about being with either one of us. I had a guy who genuinely wanted to be with me, but I didnt really want anything more serious. Ive been a walking mess for a long time. I cheated on one of my best friends turned boyfriend because he only told me he loved me when we fooled around.
When Noah came into my life we fooled around some but not a lot because he didnt want our relationship to only be physical. I admire him for that; I wanted to be like that.
When we got married, Noah left 3 days later. Yea, 3 days later I was alone for a month. When he came back, there was a Do Not Disturb sign on the door for a while, but after time I was just not in the mood often. Im not trying to make excuses BUT I really think that is the reason for my lack of mojo. I got used to having him not around. I know there are other women out there whose husbands are gone for much longer periods of time and its like nothing has chnaged in their sex life. I want our sex life to be normal. I dont want my husband to complain about not getting enough. I dont want my husband to feel like hes unloved. That is NOT the case.
Since having Oliver, I dont feel attractive at all. I have days when I feel like Hott stuff! But its really not all that often. Noah tells me that Im beautiful all the time. I know he means it, he wouldnt say it otherwise.
We just went through a series at church that was all about the relationship between a husband and wife and SEX. It was the greatest series ever! I learned alot but now its just a matter of applying it to my life. I dont want to think about my life without Noah. I love him dearly, and wouldnt trade him for the world!
The way I see it is that we just need to continue plugging through it and come hell or high water we will prevail. We will make it. We will last for all time!

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