Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Unwelcome Birthday Wishes

I had such a wonderful birthday the other day[11/9]! Other than the weather it was great! Noah surprised me by having our friends meet us for dinner at Texas Roadhouse and it was a blast. I m so glad to have these new people in our lives. I talked to dad and Judy (step mom) Monday night. My dad is amazing. Weve had our differences but these last few years things have really changed. Our relationship has strengthened. There was a time when I HATED my dad, did not want anything to do with him at all. I had my mom and thats all I needed.

Last night[11/10] my mom called me. In eleven years Ive only seen her once and talked to her twice. The first was when my middle sister ran away and we thought she had her. She said she didnt and it was a lie. The last time was when my great grandma (her grandma) was in the hospital. I couldnt really avoid her then. But after eleven years she tried to pick up right where we left off. Im 22 years old. I knew her when I was 10 years old. She is a perfect stranger. Never once in eleven years has she called to wish me a Happy Birthday or ANYTHING! All of a sudden, she calls? I really think she called so that she could "try" to patch up things between us, so that MAYBE she would be able to see her grandson.

My parents divorced in 1998. It was the best thing that could have EVER happened. My mom was/is a cheat. She taught us girls to lie. She thought of only herself, and so many other things. I finally realized that my dad wasnt the bad guy. He was actually the one who took care of us. He was an alcoholic but us girls ALWAYS came first! NO MATTER WHAT!!! I put up with enough of my moms Bs in ten years to last me a lifetime.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Judgment House 2009

Judgment House ended last Sunday and I kind of miss it but then again Ive enjoyed being able to stay home and not have to be anywhere! Although, come next year Im sure Noah and I both will be the first ones to sign up to be apart of an amazing ministry!

Ive walked through Judgment House numerous times and was always touched by it in one way or another. I got to watch one of my really good friends at the time be saved. It changes when YOU are on the other side of the fence in Hell. It was incredible to watch the faces of the people walking through. There were MANY people who seriously, no joke, would literally laugh in my face. On the flip side, I got to see MANY people cower, cover their faces, scream, and jump. I got see the repercussions of all the other scenes. I got to see how suicide affects many people.

It affected me and I was a demon in the scene. Its unbelieveable to feel the power of God working in a world where it is quite apparent that Satan is at work in a strong way. It made me very happy to see so many young kids give up their nights to such a great cause. I am so blessed to have met and be able to call them friends!

There was a time when I was beyond fired up for God and Church. I was a youth leader for my youth group. If something was coming up I knew about it. Around my senior year I started falling away, and it wasnt until I moved out on my own when I fell under the wagon and let everything tear me down and enjoy the ways of the world. Im not proud of it and its taken me a long time to even start going to church regularly again. Noah has had a big part of that in my life. Its bothered me that I couldnt sit there and have a conversation about God and Religion...its getting better, but its not where it needs to be yet. I feel that Ive found my place. I feel like Ive come full circle. That does not mean Im perfect, by no means am I...ask ANYONE!!! But I feel that Im on the rise from a once very dark part of my life. It took two weeks of being in hell to realize that I have it pretty good compared to some.

***I feel so blessed to have been apart of something so amazing. In a matter of 10 days! there were over 1500 savlations. Thats not even including rededications.

Friday, October 30, 2009

SEX: I dont like to talk about it!

Our life has had its moments when I wasnt entirely sure we would make it, and its only been two years. I love my life with Noah and Oliver. I would not change it for anything. Weve been having spots when we are happier than the happiest and then other days BEWARE!

Before you continue reading, be warned that Im talking about sex. I dont go into details. Thats my business and really not any of yours. However, in the following I go over why I feel the way I do about sex.
Youve been warned! Dont say I didnt warn you!

Yesterday was wonderful even with the unexpected house drama that made me take an hour of vacation. We were able to smile and joke about ANYTHING! It was wonderful up until the ONE subject came up. The ONE that has managed to become so touchy.
***This is the honest truth and Im not proud of it. Im not here to be judged but to vent and use this as an example one day.***
It was shunned to hug a member of the opposite sex FOREVER! My mom seriously gave me permission to have my first kiss! I had planned on waiting until I was married to have sex. I also had planned on marrying Cody. Things changed. I got a taste of freedom and threw catuion to the wind. I lost my virginity at 18. Im not proud, but am happy that it wasnt 12! At first it was because I REALLY liked the guy, but then the guy dumped me for my married sister. He didnt care about me, so screw it. From that point on I DID NOT care anymore. I wanted someone to just like me. This went on for a while. I had a guy dump me because I was crying about how an ex talked to me. On two occasions guys told me that we would start dating if I changed this or that but then ALWAYS went back to their ex. One was lying to me and his ex about being with either one of us. I had a guy who genuinely wanted to be with me, but I didnt really want anything more serious. Ive been a walking mess for a long time. I cheated on one of my best friends turned boyfriend because he only told me he loved me when we fooled around.
When Noah came into my life we fooled around some but not a lot because he didnt want our relationship to only be physical. I admire him for that; I wanted to be like that.
When we got married, Noah left 3 days later. Yea, 3 days later I was alone for a month. When he came back, there was a Do Not Disturb sign on the door for a while, but after time I was just not in the mood often. Im not trying to make excuses BUT I really think that is the reason for my lack of mojo. I got used to having him not around. I know there are other women out there whose husbands are gone for much longer periods of time and its like nothing has chnaged in their sex life. I want our sex life to be normal. I dont want my husband to complain about not getting enough. I dont want my husband to feel like hes unloved. That is NOT the case.
Since having Oliver, I dont feel attractive at all. I have days when I feel like Hott stuff! But its really not all that often. Noah tells me that Im beautiful all the time. I know he means it, he wouldnt say it otherwise.
We just went through a series at church that was all about the relationship between a husband and wife and SEX. It was the greatest series ever! I learned alot but now its just a matter of applying it to my life. I dont want to think about my life without Noah. I love him dearly, and wouldnt trade him for the world!
The way I see it is that we just need to continue plugging through it and come hell or high water we will prevail. We will make it. We will last for all time!

Monday, October 26, 2009

What does the future hold?

I will be the first to tell you that I think fortune tellers and palm readers and all of those kind of people, I think are fake. A couple of years ago I was a block party for Halloween and they had "palm readers" it was just for fun and a bunch of hooey! Its so much of a load of crap that I dont even remember ANYTHING that the person told me. However, this weekend at the same block party they had the palm reader as usual and I thought to myself lets try this out and see if she could see if I was married and had a child and what not. She took forever on people. I had to ask Donna (the hostess) what was going on. Turns out this lady has never been to any of the parties and actually wants to open her own palm reading shop. Before I even walked in I took off my wedding ring. I didnt want it to be that easy. She was gonna have to work for that! She starts looking at my hand so intently and tells me from the side of my hand that Im gonna have 2 children. She also said that I have such a big heart for children that I will foster 2 children, not babies but kids, teens. Then she started telling me that I have had a few boyfriends and that Im always happy with them, but they arent the one. She said that it would still be a few years before I married. Then she went on to my money line. I have a strong money line. I will never live beyond my means and it will always be steady. Then she told me that my intuition line wasnt very strong yet, but it would come with time. Finally she told me that Im still looking for myself. I havent figured out what makes myslef tick, but when I found it I would be so passionate about it that nothing could stop me! Her prediction is that I will dabble in literature, photography, or art.

NOW! This is the weird part. My inlaws foster children. Noah has been talking about fostering kids for the past couple of months. I would be game, but the only issue that I have with it is I fear that this or these kids would go out of their way to make my life a living hell. Ive met a few kids who didnt give a flying flip about ANYONE!
Ive had only about less than a handful of ACTUAL boyfriends. One of them, it got as serious as I thought I was gonna marry him. This brings me to the next point. With each of these boyfriends and this goes for friends in general. I seriously would mold and blend myself to these people. I had a genuine interest in what interested them, BUT I dont think Ive EVER been my true self. My ex was HUGE into rodeo! I love the rodeo and horses and all of that but since I moved from Belle Plaine, Ive been to ONE rodeo. I do however listen to a lot of country music. Another boyfriend was a drummer in a band. I was all about the music and everything. But never really let myself shine through. Thanks to him I have gotten to know GREAT music (Emery, anberlin...etc). Ive worried about people finding this out and then not liking me. Im so indecisive and make myself like anything. I wish I wasnt so much this way!
She told me that I would dabble in things that Im already dabbling in. I went to college as an art major, even though I havent completely finished college. I am very passionate about art and the arts! Noah and I used our wedding money on a very nice Nikon camera because enventually I would love to have my own business or even work at a Photography Studio.
Palm Readers scare me a little because Ive grown up to belive that they are not of God. Because only God knows your future and fortune tellers and palm readers are not of God.
When it comes to this type of things Im not sure what to think for sure. Ive been in a similar situation, but that story is for another time.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Time Apart

Noah and I were married two years ago on the 29th of September, and in that two years we've had so many arguments and fights, but I've never stopped loving him. We had a great evening, but at some point in our evening he asked me if I thought we would make it another year or even the ten. I was joking with him and said "Nah, Im drawing up the papers tomorrow" I was DEFINITELY joking. It made him worry, because he was actually being serious.
Of course we are going to make it another ten years. When I stood up there in front of all those people I meant EVERY word I said! "I will love you until the day I die. I will be yours and you will be mine." At times we get on each others nerves, but that's going to happen.

Saturday night I went to an unexpected wedding of a semi distant relative on Noah's side. It was a BEAUTIFUL wedding! The thing that really caught my eye and thoughts was the vows. I love going to weddings and listening to the promises that the bride and groom make to one another! Sitting there it made me realize how much better I need to do. I love Noah with all of my heart, and I hate to think that I actually did or didnt do something that made him question how long we will be together. I never want him to question it.

Noah left for karate training butt-crack early Satrurday morning, and wont be back until Thursday sometime. This time apart has made me realize how much I need him in my life everyday! I want us to be closer and everything imaginable. I have never taken him for advantage, but what he does (watch Oliver) I have taken for granted. I had to get up so much earlier than I normally do when he is at home, just so that I could take Oliver to the grandparents house. I miss Noah, and Ive learned that I need him to love me forever!